Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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