a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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