dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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