saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's rum buckets o'clock
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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