Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
