I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
