They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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