Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
