he wants to bone in the snuggie
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
