turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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