I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
