Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
