Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
