lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why do cheetos always look like penises
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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