I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
