there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
