my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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