Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
