If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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