Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
