Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
