I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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