First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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