How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
