ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
