Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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