from now on my penis is your penis
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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