I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
