I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
