Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dear god my vagina.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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