your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
