I'm drive I can fine osifer
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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