when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
