She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
