Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
