I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My liver just broke up with me...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
