Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
