I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You don't make any sense
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