Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
