Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
