Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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