I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
