genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
