I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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