if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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