Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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