Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
