I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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