just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
