textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How naked do you want me to be?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
