i think my tv is drunk
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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